Here is something worth reading. This shows that communication is very important in relationships.
..At the end my read, I got all teary and was engulfed in nothing but sadness...
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A fatal misunderstanding and the person who love me the most in this
world is gone forever.
This is a true story, taken from "Family" (dictated by LD, edited by
LSX, translated by SaFe).
Cruel misunderstandings one after another disrupted the blissful
footsteps to our family. Our original intend of having Mother enjoy
some quiet and peaceful moments in her remaining years with us went
terribly wrong as destiny's secret is finally revealed at a price,
every thing became too late.
Just two years after our marriage, hubby brought up the idea of asking
Mother to move from the rural hometown and spend her remaining years
with us. Hubby's father passed away while he was still very young.
Mother endured much hardship and struggled all on her own to provide
for him, see him through to a university degree. You could say that
she suffered a great deal and did everything you could expect of a
woman to bring hubby to where he is today.
I immediately agreed and started packing the spare room, which has a
balcony facing the South to let her enjoy the sunshine and plant some
greenery. Hubby stood in the bright room, and suddenly just picked me
up and started spinning round and round. As I begged him to put me
down, he said: "Lets go fetch mother."
Hubby is tall and big sized and I love to rest on his chest and enjoy
the feeling that he could pick me up at any moment put the tiny me
into his pockets. Whenever we have an argument and both refuses to
back down, he would pick me up and spin me over his head continuously
until I surrender and beg for mercy. I became addicted to this kind of
panic-joy feeling.
Mother brought along her countryside habits and lifestyle with her.
For example; I am so used to buying flowers to decorate the living
room, she could not stand it and would comment:
"I do not know how you young people spend your money, why do you buy
flowers for?
You also can't eat the flowers!" I smiled and said:
"Mum, with flowers in the house, our mood will also become better."
Mother continues to grumble away, and hubby smiled:
"Mum, this is a city-people's habit; slowly you will get use to it."
Mother stopped saying anything. But every time thereafter, whenever I
came home with flowers, she would ask me how much it costs. I told her
and she would shake her head and express
displeasure. Sometimes, when I come home with lots of shopping bags,
she would ask each and every item how much they cost, I would tell her
honestly and she would get even more upset about it.
Hubby playfully pinched my nose and said:
"You little fool, just don't tell her the full price of everything
would solve it."
There begins the friction to our otherwise happy lifestyle.
Mother hates it most when hubby wakes up early to prepare the
breakfast. In your view, how could the man of the house cook for the
wife? At the breakfast table, mother facial expression is always like
the dark clouds before a thunderstorm and I would pretend not to
notice. She would use her chopsticks and make a lot of noise with it
as her silent protest. As I am a dance teacher in the Children's
Palace and is exhausted from a long
day of dancing around, I do not wish to give up the luxury of that
additional few minutes in the comfort of my bed and hence I turned a
deaf ear to all the protest mother makes.
From time to time, mother would help out with some housework, but
soon her help created additional
work for me. For example: she would keep all kinds of plastic bags
accumulating them so that she sell them later on, and that resulted in
our house being filled with all the trash bags; she would scrimp on
dish washing detergent when helping to wash the dishes and so as not
to hurt her feelings, I would quietly wash they again. One day, late
at night, mother saw me quietly washing the dishes, and "Bam" she
slams her bedroom door and cried very loudly in her room.
Hubby was placed in a
difficult position, and after that, he did not speak to me for that
entire night. I pretended to be a spoilt child, tried acting cute, but
he totally ignored me. I got mad and asked
him:
"What did I do wrong?" Hubby stared at me and said:
"Can't you just give in to her once? We couldn't possibly die eating
from a bowl however unclean it is,right?"
After that incident, for a long period of time, mother did not speak
to me and you can feel that there is a very awkward feeling hanging in
the house. During that period of cold war, hubby was caught in dilemma
as to who to please. In order to stop her son from having to prepare
breakfast, mother took on the "all important"
task of preparing breakfast
without any prompting.
At the breakfast table, mother would look at hubby happily eating his
breakfast and cast that reprimanding stare at me for having failed to
perform my duty as a wife. To avoid the embarrassing breakfast
situation, I resorted to buying my own breakfast on my way to work.
That night, while in bed, hubby was a little upset and asked me: "LD,
is it because you think that mum's cooking is not clean that's why you
chose not to eat at home?"
He then turned his back on me and left me alone in tears as feeling of
unfairness overwhelmed me. After some time, hubby sighed:
"LD, just for me, can you have breakfast at home?"
I am left with no choice but to return to the breakfast table.
The next morning, I was having porridge prepared by mother and I felt
a sudden churn in my stomach and everything inside seem to be rushing
up my throat. I tried to suppress the urge to throw up but I couldn't.
I threw down the bowl and rushed into the washroom and vomited
everything out.
Just as I was catching my breath, I saw mother crying and grumbling
very loudly in her dialect, hubby was standing at the washroom doorway
staring at me with fire burning in his eyes. I opened my mouth but no
words came out of it, I really didn't mean it.
We had our very first big fight that day; mother took a look at us,
then stood up and slowly made her way out of the house. Hubby gave me
a final stare in the eye and followed mother down the stairs.
For three days, hubby did not return home, not even a phone call. I
was so furious, since mother arrived; I had been trying my best and
putting up with her, what else do you want me
to do?
For no reason, I keep having the feeling to throw up and I simply have
not appetite for food, coupled with all the events happening at home,
I was at the low point in my life. Finally, a colleague said: "LD, you
look terrible, you should go and see a doctor."
The doctor confirmed that I am pregnant. Now it became clear to me why
I threw up that fateful morning, a sense of sadness floated through
that otherwise happy news. Why didn't hubby, and mother who had been
through this before, thought of the possibility of this being the
reason that day?
At the hospital entrance, I saw my hubby standing there.
It had only been three days, but he looked haggard.
I had wanted to turn and leave, but one look at him and my heart
soften, I couldn't resist and called out to him. He followed my voice
and finally found me but he pretended that he doesn't know me; he has
that disgusted look in his eyes that cut right through my heart.
I told myself not to look at him anymore, and hail a cab.
At that moment, I have such a strong urge inside me to shout to my
hubby: "Darling, I am having your baby!" and have him lift me up and spin me
round in circles of joy.
What I wanted didn't happen and as I sat in the cab, my tears started
rolling down. Why?
Why our love couldn't even withstand the test of one fight?
Back home, I lay on the bed thinking about my hubby, and the disgusted
look in his eyes.
I cried and wet the corner of the blanket.
That night, sound of the drawers opening woke me up. I switched on the
lights and I saw hubby with tears rolling down his face. He was
removing the money. I stared at him in silence; he ignored me, took
the bank deposit book and some money and left the house.
Maybe he really intends to leave me for good.
What a rational man, so clear-cut in love and money matters.
I gave a few dried laugh and tears starting streaming down again.
The next day, I did not go to work. I wanted to clear this out and
have a good talk with hubby.
I reached his office and his secretary gave me a weird look and said:
"Mr. Tan's mother had a traffic accident and is now in the hospital."
I stood there in shock. I rushed to the hospital and by the time I
found hubby, mother had already passed away.
Hubby did not look at me, his face was expressionless.
I looked at mother's pale white and thin face and I couldn't control
the tears in my eyes. My god, how could this happen?
Throughout the funeral, hubby did say a single word to me, with only
the occasional disgusted stare at me.
I only managed to find out brief facts about the accident from other
people.
That day, after mother left the house, she walked in dazed toward the
bus stop, apparently intending to go back to her old house back in the
countryside.
As hubby ran after her, she tried to walk faster and as she tried to
cross the street, a public bus came and hit her...
I finally understood how much hubby must hate me, if I had not thrown
up that morning, if we had not quarreled, if... In his heart, I am
indirectly the killer of his mother.
Hubby moved into mother's room and came home every night with a strong
liquor smell on him. And me, I am buried under the guilt and self pity
and could hardly breathe. I wanted to explain to him, tell him that we
are going to have our baby soon, but each time, I saw the dead look in
his eyes, all the words I have at the brink of my mouth just fell back
in. I had rather he hit me real hard or give me a big and thorough
scolding though none of these events happening had been my fault at
all.
Many days of suffocating silence went by and as the days went by,
hubby came home later and later. The deadlock between us continues, we
were living together like strangers who don't know each other.
I am like the dead knot in his heart.
One day, I passed by a western restaurant, looking into the glass
window,
I saw hubby and a girl sitting facing each other and he very lightly
brushed her hair for her, I understood what it meant. After recovering
from that moment of shock, I entered the restaurant, stood in front of
my hubby and stared hard at him, not a tear in my eyes. I have nothing
to say to him, and there is no need to say anything.
The girl looked at me, looks at hubby, stands up and wanted to go,
hubby stretched out his hand and stopped her. He stared back at me,
challenging me. I can only hear my slow heart beat, beating, one by
one as if at the brink of death. I eventually backed down, if I had
stood that any longer, I will collapse together with the baby inside
me.
That night, he did not come home, he had chosen to use that as a way
to indicate to me: Following mother's death so did our love for each
other. He did not come home anymore after that.
Sometimes, when I returned home from work, I can tell that the
cupboard had
been touched - he had returned to
take some of his stuff.
I no longer wish to call him; the initial desire to explain everything
to him vanished.
I lived alone; I go for my medical checkups alone, my heart breaks
again and again every time I see a guy carefully helping his wife
through the physical examination. My office colleagues hinted to me to
consider aborting the baby, I told them No, I will not. I insisted on
having to this baby, perhaps it is my way of repaying mother for
causing her death.
One day, I came home and I saw hubby sitting in the living room. The
whole house was filled with cigarette smoke. On the coffee table,
there
was this piece of paper.
I know what it is all about without even looking at it. In the two
months plus of living alone, I have gradually learned to find peace
within myself. I looked at him, removed my hat and said: "You wait a
while, I will sign." He looked at me, mixed feelings in his eyes, just
like mine. As I hang up my coat, I keep repeating to myself "You
cannot cry, you cannot cry..." my eyes hurt terribly, but I refused
to let the tears flow.
After I hung up my coat, hubby's eyes stared fixed at my bulging
tummy. I smiled, walked over to the coffee table and pull e paper
towards me. Without even looking at what it says, I signed my name on
it and pushed the paper to him. "LD, you are pregnant?"
Since mother's accident, this is the first time he spoke to me. I
could not
control my tears any further and they fell like raindrops.
I said: "Yes, but its ok, you can leave now."
He did not go, in the dark, we sat, facing each other.
Hubby slowly moved over me, his tears wet the blanket.
In my heart, everything seems so far away, so far that even if I
sprint, I could never reach them. I cannot remember how many times he
repeated "sorry" to me, I had originally thought that I would forgive
him, but now I can't.
In the western restaurant, in front of that girl, that cold look in
his eyes, I will never forget, ever.
We have drawn such deep scars in each other's heart. For me, its
unintentional; for him, totally intentional.
I had been waiting for this moment of reconciliation, but I realized
now, what had gone past is gone forever and could not repeated.
Other than the thought of the baby inside me that would bring some
warmth to my heart, I am totally cold towards him, I no longer eat
anything he buys for me, I don't take any presents from
him
and I stopped talking to him.
>From the moment I signed on that piece of paper, marriage and love
had
vanished from my heart.
Sometimes, hubby will try to come into the bedroom, but when he walks
in,I will walk out to the living room.
He had no choice but to sleep in mother's room. At night, from his
room, I can hear light sounds of groaning, I kept quiet. This used to
be his trick; last time, whenever I ignore him, he would fake illness
and I will surrender and find out what is wrong with him, he would
then grab me and laugh. He has forgotten that last time; I cared for
him and am concerned because there is love, but now, what is there
between us?
Hubby's groaning came on and off continuing all the way till baby was
born.
Almost everyday, he would buy something for the baby, infant products,
children products and books that kids like to read. Bags and bags of
it stacked inside his room till it is full. I know he is trying to use
this to reach out to me, but I am no longer moved by his actions. He
has no choice but to lock himself in his room and I can hear his
typing away on his computer keyboard, maybe he is now addicted to web
surfing, but none of that matters to me anymore.
It was sometime towards the end of spring in the following year, one
late night, I screamed because of a sudden stomach pain, hubby came
rushing into the room, its like he did not change and sleep,
and
had been waiting for this moment.
He carried me and ran down the stairs, stopped a car, holding my hand
very
tightly and kept wiping the sweat off my brown, throughout the journey
to the hospital. Once we reached the hospital, he carried me and
hurried into the delivery suite. Lying on the back of his skinny but
warmth body, a thought crossed my
mind:
In my lifetime, who else would love me as much as he did?
He held the delivery suite door opened and watch me go in, his warm
eyes caused me to managed a smile at him despite my contraction pain.
Coming out of the delivery room, hubby looked at our son, and me, his
eyes tear with joy and he kept smiling. I reached out and touched his
hand. Hubby looked at me, smiling and then
he
slowly collapsed onto the floor.
I cried out for him in pain... He smiled, but without opening that
tired eyes of his... I had thought that I would never shed any tear
for him, but the truth is,
I
have never felt a deeper pain cutting through my body at that moment.
Doctor said that by the time hubby discovered he had liver cancer, it
was already in terminal stage and it was a miracle that he managed to
last this long. I asked the doctor when did he first discover he had
cancer? Doctor said about 5 months ago and consoled me saying:
"Prepare for his funeral."
I disregarded the nurse's objection and rushed home, I went into his
room and checked his computer, and a suffocating pain hits me.
Hubby's cancer was discovered 5 months ago, his groaning was real, and
I had thought that... the computer showed over 200 thousand words he
wrote for our son: "Son, just for you, I have persisted, to be able to
take a look at you before I fall, is my biggest wish now...
I know that in your life, you will have many happiness and maybe some
setbacks, if only I can accompany you throughout that journey, how
nice would it be. But daddy now no long has that chance.
Daddy
has written inside here all the possible difficulties and problems you
may encounter during your lifetime, when you meet with these problems,
you can refer to daddy's suggestion... Son, after writing these 200
thousand words, I feel as if I have accompanied you through your life
journey. To be honest, daddy is very happy. Do love your mother, she
has suffered, she is the one who loves you most and also the one who
loves me most..."
From play school to primary school, to secondary, university, to work
and
even in dealing with questions of love, everything big and small was
written there.
Hubby has also written a letter for me:
"My dear, to marry you is my biggest happiness, forgive me for the
pain I have caused you, forgive me for not telling you my illness,
because I want to see you be in a joyful mood waiting for the arrival
of our baby... My dear, if you cried, it means that you have forgiven
me and I would smile, thank you for loving me...
These presents, I'm afraid I cannot give them to our son personally,
could you help me to give some of them to him every year, the dates on
what to give when are all written on the packaging..."
Going back to the hospital, hubby is still in coma. I brought our son
over and place him beside him.
I said: "Open your eyes and smile, I want our son to remember being in
the warmth of your arms..."
He struggled to open his eyes and managed a weak smile.
Our son still in his arms was happily waving his tiny hands in the air.
I press the button on the camera and the sound of the shutter rang
thought the air as tears slowly rolled down my face...
The end...
-- tea's thoughts --
3:09 PM
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